Being a mother

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I often think that what I know about being a mom could fit into a thimble.  However, the things that I do know are that children are predictable and unpredictable all at the same time and that childhood goes by so blindingly fast that I just want to grab hold sometimes and stop the clock.  One of the first things that I remember saying to myself after the birth of my oldest son was “I want my money back from lamaze”.  Everything I was told was completely useless for the labour that I experienced.  And from that moment on……from the moment that I became a mom, everything that has happened has not fit into a book about what to expect.  My children do not fall into the norms.  My children are unique and my experience as a mother is unique.  There is no crystal ball that will tell you how everything will turn out.  It seems at times, it is a guessing game.  You have one shot at this.  One shot at teaching them about logic, patience, kindness, empathy…….It can be daunting at times.  Having kids, has made things move so fast.  I always feel like I am trying to play catch up….trying to get on that train that is pulling out of the station and I not only need to jump aboard, but I also need to anticipate where the train might be in an hour and plan for that.  Everyday is an adventure. The constant questions that seem to come from nowhere and permeate every single conversation at a breakneck pace and my inability to keep up with and juggle all their feelings, and thoughts, their self esteem, ego and confidence.  It sometimes feels like an impossible balancing act.   But, somehow along the way,  I have learned that being a mother is an art not in perfection.  It is all the in between moments that count.  It is about embracing the imperfection.  Being a mother is about knowing when to hug them.  It is about being able to make them laugh when they are sad. It is about dancing like no one is watching, or singing like no one can hear you.  It is about our children knowing that we love them just by the way our eyes light up when we see them. And about how our hugs linger just a little longer than they need (as a just in case).  Mother’s day to me is about my children.  Because without them, I would be wandering around this world looking for my purpose.  Thanks for joining me in my botched singing of songs on the radio while we are in the car.  Thank you for dancing with me in the living room with the music turned up.  Thank you for the cuddles at bedtime.  Thank you for the little kisses you give me as you pass by when somehow you just know that that is what I needed.  Thank you for all the little things that add joy to my life.  I often ask “how do you know I love you?”, to which my youngest will reply “you always show me mom.”

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